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What Next?

Every morning I get up with good intentions to take on a project and actually get it done. My wife wakes me up before she leaves for work to have a cup or two of coffee with her. Sometimes she helps me to make a list of things to do (most guys hate that, but I need it). Whether it is work on the house, reminding me of a doctor appointment or just to take my medication, if it is not written down I will often forget.  Even with the list I ask myself if I did things and forgot to check them off, or did I not do them yet.

I can’t drive far because people are afraid that I will blank out and hurt myself or someone else.  For the most part it is just me and my three dogs sitting around the house looking into each others eyes with one question in mind (What are we going to eat next?).

As I said earlier, I get up with my wife every morning, but I don’t always stay awake. Sometimes my brain just won’t shut down at night and she is waking me an hour after I finally fell asleep.  When that is the case, I go back to sleep and often sleep more than I should.  The dogs don’t complain; they just snuggle up.

Every waken moment I have to ask myself “What next?”. I often can’t tell the difference between a being awake and dreaming; I just don’t know where I am.  That’s why it is important to me for both PTSD and the dissociative amnesia related to it to stay busy in one way or another.  If not, I get extremely depressed and being home alone is the worst place to be.

Do I want to tie flies?  I love doing that.  I learned to make my own rods and I’m working on my 2nd one now.  How about writing on my blog, do I want to do that?  What should I write about?  Maybe I will just see what people are writing on the blogs that I follow or look for new people to follow.  I might look up PTSD support groups and find ways to help them to help others like me. I might even find another cause to support; like the Veterans for Standing Rock, where innocent people are taken advantage of.  All I have to do is turn on the news and I will find something I can’t stand to watch. Someone gets shot, a bomb goes off, a child abused or hit by a car; what next?

The thing is, I never know what to do next.  My wife says I should be happy.  I get to stay home all day.  She says that she would love the chance to do the same. But I don’t get to stay home, I have to; just like a person on house arrest. At least I do have things to do.  But I just can’t make up my mind (no joking; I literally can’t).

My absent mindedness due to my illness is getting worse and it is really starting to hurt my marriage lately.  My wife is a mental health nurse and it kills her to come home to a husband that is more like another client of hers.  We are a week away from our 25th anniversary and we are seriously fighting to get there.

All I can ask myself is “What next?”.

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5 thoughts on “What Next? Leave a comment

  1. Keep your spirit up Charlie! Its hard to be indoors all the time, no matter what the situation but the warm weather is on its way! So Hopefully that, along with our PHWFF trips and being able to get outdoors with your dogs more in the spring will help to alleviate the cabin fever. Plus, Soon you can put all those flies to good use! When it comes to filling your time, the question of “whats next” can always be broken down from large hobby into smaller ones. Lets say you take the large category of fly tying for example, you can then break that down into soft hackles, dry flies, streamers, bass flies ect. and take turns trying to challenge yourself to study and tie the different sub categories for a while one at a time. I still do that now! Or come up with small challenges for yourself. I had to do that quite often when I was stuck indoors for a long length of time after a surgery. But try your best not to think of the “”what’s next” question in a negative way, (easier said than done sometimes, I know. but you can do it!) Think if it as there’s always something new; “what fishing trip is next? What new waters can I What new people will I meet next? What fish can i catch next? What would I like to learn next? where will my journey take me next?” Things will look up soon Charlie!

    Liked by 1 person

      • HAHAHHAHA thank you but trust me Charlie I have had more than my share of depression, everyone has it at some point in life, and like you, every so often it still hits me as well. That’s why we all need to find hobbies, find the “something” that we enjoy doing and continue to enjoy it , specifically when those times arise. Whether it’s going for a walk, painting, reading a book, or tying flies, try to change your train of thought when it comes, since it’s a little things that are quite enjoyable throughout your day.

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  2. I got a message one night on Facebook from a family friend asking if I might be able to help her friend out,not knowing what I was getting myself into I said sure,This is when I met you the following day,I pulled up to your home to see one of these projects you were working on,most people I know wouldn’t have taken on such a challenging one but you did,this lead me to believe this man has a problem and he is willing to do whatever it might take to fix the problem,in the winter you decided to rip off your old roof and install a new one because you were trying to protect what was inside your home,I’m not talking about your tv,your couch,material things,you were trying to protect your wife,daughter,dogs,you were trying to protect your FAMILY!I can’t sit here and say I know what your going through with PTSD,because I haven’t a clue on what you must have gone through but I can sit here and tell you I look up to you,you are an example to others to show them if you want something done you can do it if you have heart and the mind to get it done,it was our pleasure to come over and be able to give you a hand when you needed it,I know if I need help with something you would be there in a blink of an eye.Sometimes god gives us more then we think we can handle but he doesn’t,he gives what he knows we can,sometimes it’s harder at times but with prayer and meditation,and love we get through it,and I can tell you I will add you and your family to my prayers,I think people are brought into your life for a reason and I’m sure you were placed in mine for many lessons and I thank god you were,I was able to see what’s important in life after meeting your family and yourself and if you were to need anything you can always call,take one day at a time Charlie,And do your very best every day at what ever you put your mind to for that day and no one can take that away from you,and on that list,always put one thing on that list just for your wife,weather it’s getting flowers,or grocery shopping,or washing the dishes or writing little notes and hiding them where she will find them,just an I love you,or I know how much you do for our family,or how beautiful you think she is or just a simple thank you,make sure you add her to that morning list,you guys have been together for 25years for a reason,that love takes work to keep but it does not disappear overnight,this is something I know the man I met can fix,you have a huge heart and I can only thank you for allowing me to come in and help you because your the one that helped me.Charlie if you need anything give me a ring,even if you just need to talk

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂wow. You right more than I do. I know God’s love. It is the mental condition that makes me forget to rely on him sometimes. I actually run a prayer chain on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/prayerpower.prayerchain.
      I’m not only their to help people post their prayers but they listen and pray for me too. Thank you for being such a good friend after knowing each other for only 2 days.

      Speaking of God, maybe paying it forward is something he keeps in mind. I have always been the kind to serve without expectation for return. My military career speaks for itself, but I’ve also helped on roofs, and I have done things of my expertise and more for people.
      Sometimes though you don’t expect return, you need it; and that is when we met. Thank You!

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