What Next?

Every morning I get up with good intentions to take on a project and actually get it done. My wife wakes me up before she leaves for work to have a cup or two of coffee with her. Sometimes she helps me to make a list of things to do (most guys hate that, but I need it). Whether it is work on the house, reminding me of a doctor appointment or just to take my medication, if it is not written down I will often forget.  Even with the list I ask myself if I did things and forgot to check them off, or did I not do them yet.

I can’t drive far because people are afraid that I will blank out and hurt myself or someone else.  For the most part it is just me and my three dogs sitting around the house looking into each others eyes with one question in mind (What are we going to eat next?).

As I said earlier, I get up with my wife every morning, but I don’t always stay awake. Sometimes my brain just won’t shut down at night and she is waking me an hour after I finally fell asleep.  When that is the case, I go back to sleep and often sleep more than I should.  The dogs don’t complain; they just snuggle up.

Every waken moment I have to ask myself “What next?”. I often can’t tell the difference between a being awake and dreaming; I just don’t know where I am.  That’s why it is important to me for both PTSD and the dissociative amnesia related to it to stay busy in one way or another.  If not, I get extremely depressed and being home alone is the worst place to be.

Do I want to tie flies?  I love doing that.  I learned to make my own rods and I’m working on my 2nd one now.  How about writing on my blog, do I want to do that?  What should I write about?  Maybe I will just see what people are writing on the blogs that I follow or look for new people to follow.  I might look up PTSD support groups and find ways to help them to help others like me. I might even find another cause to support; like the Veterans for Standing Rock, where innocent people are taken advantage of.  All I have to do is turn on the news and I will find something I can’t stand to watch. Someone gets shot, a bomb goes off, a child abused or hit by a car; what next?

The thing is, I never know what to do next.  My wife says I should be happy.  I get to stay home all day.  She says that she would love the chance to do the same. But I don’t get to stay home, I have to; just like a person on house arrest. At least I do have things to do.  But I just can’t make up my mind (no joking; I literally can’t).

My absent mindedness due to my illness is getting worse and it is really starting to hurt my marriage lately.  My wife is a mental health nurse and it kills her to come home to a husband that is more like another client of hers.  We are a week away from our 25th anniversary and we are seriously fighting to get there.

All I can ask myself is “What next?”.